The part where it’s time to start over

Hi, you’ve reached emotion. I’m unavailable at the moment but please leave a message and I’ll get back to you when I sort myself out.

Don’t worry, I’m not talking about me. My emotions are always readily available for anyone who accidentally gets in their way – The good, the bad, the lovely and the sad. So much so, that I wish there was a temporary mute button so that those extremely loud thoughts in my head would actually let me focus on the right now and possibly catch up on some much needed sleep at night.

This blog of mine has bamboozled me for many long months now. This ‘single life’ venture that has forever been swept up in a turbulent flight involving every emotion.

How was I to keep writing when I wasn’t quite single anymore? How would I approach my stories when they were present moments and not tales of a past adventure? I was so proud of my new love of writing that it would come up in many conversations and new readers would sign on to follow my thoughts every day. How do I put the right words together when the person I was writing about was reading my every unedited thought?

So I stopped.

And now, I’ve worked it out. I stopped to be kind to others. I stopped to consider my impact on others around me. And in stopping, I forgot me. The incredible power of healing, perspective and calming that this blog gave me went unnoticed.

It’s crazy I know because I’ve had a lifetime of getting to know me. I love me. How do I let myself lose the me I’m proud of so easily? I’m not saying I morph into some skeleton of myself but my emotions take me to other people, my desire to nurture others somehow causes me harm.

These may be the common trials and tribulations of a girl who is honestly happy to go along with another person’s story. Ask me what I want for dinner and if I say “I really don’t mind”, then that’s the truth. Invite me to try something that you love that I haven’t done before and I’ll happily go along if it’s something I’m comfortable with. In all this however, I keep finding people who then forget to see me. They don’t feel or see the need to join in with my life because I contently fit in with theirs. Luckily, I know that I lead a great life all on my own and I have so much to offer the people around me. So, for the most part, I don’t stop living that life by missing out on things that I value (unless I’d look completely creepy doing it on my own). The thing is, I keep finding these emotionally unavailable people who aren’t able or willing to strap in and share the ride with me. They can only manage to let me tag along with theirs. I realise now that it isn’t my doing, it is usually because of their own struggles or their situation. Unfortunately though, there is always impact on my happiness because of this. I definitely have faults and little demons but none of which are a permanent blip in my personality. All can be worked on, worked out or loved. I just need someone to invest the same emotion in me that I do in them. I want to share this life. I’ve seen and felt what it can be like to team up with someone and feel like you could be powerful together. I like it and I want it.

So, I find myself at the end of another relationship and I fall in an exhausted heap because I’ve given it my all and I am forced to question what I actually got in return. Usually it’s someone who said “yeah, jump in and follow me” and who’s given me their time but none of their emotion to go with it. Emotionally unavailable people really do block you from creating and building something together. There’s always unbalance.

The main point here is that I haven’t been writing and I want to. I’ve now got the task of using my over active, anxious and analytical brain to come up with a new concept to change the way I use past experiences, tackle present moments and dream towards the future.

I have a puppy now, so it’s not just A Girl, a Bird and a (super squishy) VW. I’ve had some seriously amazing and heartbreaking relationships. I’m still struggling to work out where I belong – city or country. I’m watching relationships change the longer I am away. I have been facing challenge after challenge at work. I have also been living life, making friends and feeling overwhelmingly proud of myself. I am developing a new strength in myself, yet feeling helplessly weak and lost. I have tried new things, stepped out of my comfort zone, all whilst holding on to past struggles that I really need to let go of. I’ve talked too much, cried too much, but still continued to laugh every day. My head is slowly starting to gain clarity, although my heart is still really struggling to let go of something it wanted.

Where to next? I have no idea. But I now realise that ‘me’ is all I have to completely rely on, whether life is at its simplest or its most complex. I have to understand me. We all do, some people are just better accomplished in being selfish than I am. They give themselves way more time to work it out without the emotional distractions I take on. The biggest thing is, just when you think you know who you are and what you want and need, something changes to force you to work it all out for yourself again.

Keep Calm and Write

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