And this is why I’ve been finding it difficult to write lately…
I’ve been watching the TV series Offspring with a new outlook. I was told that I am the main character, Nina and now that I watch the episodes from the very beginning again I realise that it’s true in so many ways.
“I fell in love…and I can’t get up”
I can’t get up. I do, everyday, but I feel a little more broken each time. Each time I share a piece of my goodness with someone they take it and I’m left with an increasingly sad heaviness inside. I’m completely losing faith that I’ll ever get what I deserve. And I know I deserve the world because I’m willing to give the world. I’m so honest too. I say to these men, ‘I’m not going to be your one night stand, go now if that’s all you want’,’I’ve got a wall up, please don’t try to break it down unless you’re going to take care of me’. They don’t listen. I don’t learn. I give, they take and I lose. I do believe that they are the ones losing out but as if they see that. They’d need to truly see me and not just themselves if that were the case.
“He’s not interested, I’m annoying him… Step away from the gorgeous man”
He says he is but he’s really not. I keep finding every emotionally unavailable man in the dating world. He says he is interested but he changes his mind. He says he isn’t interested but he still wants me in his life. He was more than interested at the start. I will not believe that it is me or some big character flaw of mine. I am so transparent. Knowing me is simple in that way. I don’t hide and there’s nothing hidden so if you liked me at the start?..
Maybe I give too much too soon.
If I am Nina, stepping away is what I should do but it’s the thing I find the most challenging in life. Stepping away from people I care about, even if it’s on a different level to how they care about me. I care way too much and way too easily. People tell me to change, but how? Why? I’m me.
“Don’t do anything you are doing!”
Nina-ism #3 – said to gorgeous man
Don’t tell me how amazing I am and leave. Don’t tell me how kind, sweet and caring I am and then abuse it. Don’t tell me you see something between us and then take away possibility. Don’t introduce me to your family and friends. Don’t make me part of your every day and let me get used to having you in my life. Despite this, don’t let me see you as someone I could love. Don’t let me love you and take your heart away.
Don’t be an idiot for overlooking me, us and the potential you know is there.
Tell me why you still want me in your life on your terms. Tell me how that is fair.
Let me hate you so that I can at least try to let you go. But I know that even if you really are just using me to make yourself feel good and to have the best of both worlds, I really struggle to hate.
I am reliable, overly considerate and everybody’s back up. I’m your safety net but I’m still alone. Who’s got my back?
“Neens, don’t stress about men. You’re too brilliant. If it happens you’ll look back on all the stress and think ‘what a waste of brain space that was’. If it doesn’t happen, you’ve still got your brilliance”
Nina-ism #4 – to Nina from her sister
Perfect. Impossible. Hopeless.
I give way too much time to this. I know my worth, my positives and my struggles. I see me, they say that they see me too but it always falls at the last hurdle.
There is so much to say. About the boy I fell in love with. About the man I met who encouraged me to see beyond that old love and to be ready to like again. I’m just not sure what to say or how to say it. There’s still no happy ending. Who am I kidding, there wasn’t even a chance to make a happy beginning.
I’m starting another new chapter in this blog. I have lots of stories to share so next up I’m going to begin The Single Life – Part 4 so that I can get back on track with my writing. Thank you for being patient while I found my lost words.