There are two distinct parts to my day at the moment and I’m going to be completely honest and tell you what it feels like because I’m sure there are a lot of people out there that can relate.
The Miss Independent Zone: brilliant self-talk, focused attention to work life, excellent ‘life is only just beginning’ attitude, encouraging ‘everything happens for a reason’ philosophy and total appreciation of my support crew and pretty things. This zone exists from about 8am to 6pm. Now, it might already sound like I am suffering from bipolar because you can probably guess what is coming, but this is pretty close to what my head is like on a daily basis if you cancel out men. Bloody men.
The Wobble Zone: Complete over-analyser, regular visitor to ‘memory lane’, constant questioner, big-time doubter, self-esteem destroyer, ‘what-ifs’ dreamer, ugly-face crier, total non-eater, insane no-sleeper and giving-myself-a-hard-time-by-dwelling-on-disappointment real life girl. This zone exists from about 6pm to 8am. It starts as the sun goes down, hangs around during the night time routine, bugs you as you try to sleep and slaps you in the face when you wake up in the morning. It is almost like you feel drunk or hungover because your body and mind are so out of whack.
This is what happens when a girl’s hope is crushed once again. By the guy she invested in. By the guy who gave her hope. By the guy who injected himself into her life and invited her into his. By the guy who was and is honest, different, real, thoughtful, intelligent, fun, new and a whole lot of everything, including temporarily damaged. The guy who made me feel calm and the only person I have ever connected with so instantly and mutually.
It’s difficult for me to articulate succinctly as I constantly have a thousand thoughts running through my head, often conflicting and competing against each other.
This person, who I have overwhelming respect for, fills my head. Even a-midst all this hurt and confusion and especially when I hear the lyrics in the following two songs.
I think I want you more than want
And no I need you more than need
I want to hold you more than hold
When you stood in front of me
I think you know me more than know
And you see me more than see
Songs take us places. Even if those lyrics seem intense, it’s more the individual words that take you back to the past or allow you to look into the future or simply force you to take a deep breath and enjoy the right-there feeling of the moment.
[He’ll give himself a high-5 after he Googles these lyrics and finds out the name of this next song because he’s been trying to get it out of me for weeks.]
So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me
‘Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me
Spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free
So don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with me, me
It’s not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me
That song has been haunting me all year. It has stretched out over two endings and they are still playing it on the radio. The good thing is that I can scream it out really loud in my car with a mix of ‘I hate that you did this to me’ and an ‘I am SO worth loving’ kind of attitude.
So just like how my days are playing out at the moment, this person creates two very different feelings for me.
But, there is a different and unique ending to this story in that there isn’t an imminent ending. He wants to know me in the same way I feel the need to know him, because ultimately, it seems like my life is richer with him in it somehow.
I’m honestly still working it out. But the refreshing part is that we are working it out together. It’s strange, I know. Lots of people probably won’t agree with me and I know that too. People have been starting to ask me what is wrong with me and I’m determined not to listen to their doubts. I actually don’t think I am doing anything wrong, other than letting my heart feel and my head dream without holding back. I completely live in and get excited for the moment. I let the feelings I have shine and I am so ready and willing to give myself (without compromising who I am) to someone or to a situation or event. People are telling me to play games. “You have to play hard to get”, they said. “You have to treat them mean to keep them keen”, they taunt. In my mind all I have to be is me. I don’t like games and I would think that, by this age, many of us would be sick of games too. I don’t want to predict the future or jump too far in but I would really like it if someone I cared for would give me a chance one day. A real chance.
I’m strangely excited. Then I’m hurt. Then I think a bit too much and feel that sting of rejection again. But then I’m back to feeling excited again. I am noticing a change already because all of a sudden his name, sitting there in my Facebook feed, is not like poison to me anymore. Pretending not to know someone that you actually know so well – that is the hardest part of being told that ‘us’ can’t happen. Now I am not pretending. Now I am talking and we are sharing some amazing conversations. I have hope back. Hope that we might just be able to go full circle and create a lasting relationship. The big adjustment is that it is now not how I had dreamed it would be. Lucky I’m not one of those people who says “I already have enough friends.” And I’m going to make sure I don’t get hurt by this. And especially by him.