So, it’s been a while.
I’ll tell you why, but first I’m making a conscious effort to figure out the good before I analyse the bad.
I’ve made a big step towards making my house feel like a home. It’s a tricky thing when you believe home is where the heart is. When you feel like your heart is elsewhere. I find my heart reminiscing on the joy I felt waking up every morning and going to work. Not having quite figured out the rhythm of my new workplace, I feel I’m still trying to find my place, even though I am assured regularly that I have already made my mark. But it’s my heart. It has to start listening to my head. *insert belly laugh* It never does. This is one hurdle that has held me back from accepting this place as home for now.
I find my heart being pulled to him. Still. It’s interesting. I pretend it doesn’t hurt or ache as much. And, to some degree, it’s not as physical a reaction now. But I definitely still feel it within me. It’s as though I can feel a hole in my chest. The hole even has a colour. And it’s not rainbow like I usually prefer! But it’s okay. Keep living, keep distracting myself, keep believing (even if I don’t know what I’m believing in exactly). This is another hurdle that has made it more confusing to work out if this is where I am supposed to be.
I’ve been challenged recently, in terms of new lives and new people. In my head and heart, new beginnings don’t mean the need to disengage from where I have come from. Not everyone sees it that way. I love the people that have made my life what it has been up until now more with every passing day. I don’t think I’m holding on to the past because those people will never be in my past if I don’t choose them to be and if they don’t choose it to be so. It may end up that way with some, but I hope not. We are just starting a new way of friendship. My family, my friends. They are real. Just like all the amazing people I have met here in my small town. I won’t let them go when life takes me on my next adventure. They’ve made their mark on me. To me, people make the world go round. This has been the final hurdle in my transition from city to country.
So, I’ve figured out how to get people into my house to make it my home. I bought furniture! People seem to like that. A place to sit and a place to sleep. Who would’ve thought! And even though I could look at this big purchase as something for others, I look around as I sit on my deck by myself and realise that it is really for me. It makes me happy when I’m on my own and it helps me to enjoy this new special space with friends when they visit. Old and new. I’m one of those people where busy makes me feel calm and crazy makes me feel content. I’ve created a new crazy space surrounded by bright colours where I can be busy with friends whenever I want. It’s working! It is now home because I get to share it with others.
It is always the strangest of things that help to complete the puzzle.
Sorting one thing out at a time. Home life…. Come at me 🙂
So….that was the good! That was a snapshot into how I’m feeling right now. And I’m writing this blog to be honest with my life, so the next step is to share the lessons I have learned about myself over the last month. The first time in my life where I have allowed myself to feel defeated (which could’ve been the best thing for me). Up next…followed by hilarious, fun and happy stories of course!