The part where I realise there is two of me

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I left the me I knew really well back in the big city. Don’t get me wrong, they are small little differences that I’m not even sure I can pinpoint, but when I moved from the city to the country, I didn’t stay the same and neither did my life. It’s become super clear, now I’m back visiting the big city for the second time since my move. The next step is to try and work out where the differences lie and to figure out which changes I like and which I don’t.

I’ve spent a long time getting to know me. The perks of a single life. I was very comfortable in knowing who I was before, I could even say confidently that I was proud of exactly who I was. I still am, I’m just adding a new dimension. I qualified my opinion of myself on how I went about my life, my attitude and view on everyday things, my quirks and everything that made me, me – particularly my relationships with people. I know I’m different to many but I definitely learned how to celebrate that. Then I was made to leave my nearest and dearest. I met new people who I wanted to include in my life but there was no way I wanted to leave my special people, the people who truly ‘got’ me, behind.

This whole realisation is a bit overwhelming, it’s got me thinking in a thousand different directions. None of them necessarily bad, just challenging to explain. Here’s the best way I can think of it at the moment…Let me tell you about some of my recent experiences and what they taught me.

The fresh
Like I promised in my last post, I need to share some of our small town pleasures. Monster trucks. Let’s start there. A girl who likes to experience everything. A girl who says yes to an event just because it exists and is new. A girl who is always poor because she lives. A girl that makes no apologies for that. That’s me. And monster trucks was the most recent event of choice. The night was AWESOME!!!!! The rumble of the engines in our chests. The grunting and woohoo’ing as we unleashed our inner bogans when giant trucks smashed into tiny cars. Amazing! And so enjoyed as I stood alongside a group of new colleagues/friends.

This event, and all the other experiences I’ve jumped at during my first 6 months, is what lead me to the thought that…‘I am more than what I am’. My interests and capabilities go way beyond what the day-to-day me even realises. It taught me that all I need is opportunity.

Next up was the Sunday Sesh where the drinks were flowing, where the beach was our backdrop, where the big local bands came out to play and where all of the small town’s society was in fine form. Elvis made an appearance, and not even on stage. He was just in his Sunday smarts enjoying the music with the rest of us. There were even promo chicks, said the sign. It was a big deal (and a very small event). The small town was out and about and I was ready to relax the afternoon away with some great mates. We became groupies of the first band and I accidentally/purposefully came across the promo visor that the promo girl wouldn’t let me have. Winner! The afternoon was pretty successful and I was also pretty successful at drowning my recent heartache with many cold beers on a warm day.

I also enjoyed another country to city road trip with the ‘fresh’ crew. A new tradition that brings a new bunch of friends back to their old lives for a much needed visit and recoup.

The ‘spesh’
So, I have made it home. It really is home and I really need it after an up and down couple of months. It feels like I got home just in time for other people too. Life can be so difficult and so unfair. Friendship is so important and this trip has made me realise that I want to be a real time friend and not an away friend. The most amazing feeling is when you can help out a friend, even in the smallest way. I miss it. I miss physically being there for my favourite people. I wonder what I miss out on because I’m not there and people don’t want to worry me unnecessarily. Catch ups are still so easy here. Like I have never left. Time together is so simple and doing nothing with people is one of the best things. I’m sleeping better (ie. more) and I’m feeling content. I’m enjoying the bright lights, the activities, the shops, the food, the familiar places and the comfort of family. The babies aren’t babies anymore and the new baby bellies are getting bigger. Time has passed quickly and slowly in equal measure. What this trip is teaching me is that you can’t take home away. I never take life for granted and I’m so grateful for that, now more so than ever.

A thing to celebrate is that some of the ‘fresh’ people have very quickly become part of the ‘spesh’ group. This is why I decided to be brave enough to take on this adventure, for outcomes like this. Some of the ‘spesh’ group have slowly forgotten about me and have shown me in a very simple way that they aren’t worth my time. Life, and any sort of relationship should not be one-sided. My time is too precious.

And just to keep you updated. I miss him. I have moments of missing him every day. We communicate, but not as often. We talk, but not always like before. We talk about catching up because he’s not that far from me while I’m here, but it hasn’t happened yet. I want to. I really want to. I miss everything about him.

I’ve started to put some of my ideas together about the changes in me that I’m noticing as my life splits into two. I don’t think I’ve sorted it out yet so that’ll have to stay in my busy head until next time I put words to paper.

Also around the corner, is my 30th. The only birthday and milestone that has challenged me. I am not where I thought I would be but I am resolved to celebrating exactly where I am and who I am. For a whole month! I’m ready to create even more stories and memories.


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