The longest week…
Waking up, pushing your feet from the covers, easing yourself onto the floor and taking your first step towards the new day. Sounds simple enough. It is simple, yet sometimes your heart and mind are so heavy that this seems like an almost impossible task.
This week was one of those weeks that I let life get on top of me. Granted, life was feeling pretty crappy. I remember hearing of the idea about the trifecta. Work life, social life, love life (I can actually think of way more than 3). When you have all of those, you have complete balance and happiness. When you have 2 out of 3 you can happily coast along with the hopeful thought that you’ll find your missing piece. When you have 0 out of 3 it’s pretty tough to even think of what you will do after the current 60 seconds of deep breathing and fake smiling have passed. Most of the time we have way more going for us than we realise. But, we all have these moments. People in my world just don’t know how to handle me when I’m not over-the-top enthusiastic about life so I find myself feeling extremely alone in these moments. I’m not sure if this is a blessing in disguise because it certainly does make my usual dwelling and brooding time a lot shorter than most. We all know I’m not that amazing at being on my own.
This week, my longest week, I found myself in a hole. Eye contact was almost impossible as I knew that every innocent “Hi, how are you?” was going to end in tears. Mine. I found myself focusing on what was missing rather than what was here. I must add that there is a lot missing here. And not one thing can be discredited or downplayed. I miss my family. I need my Mum. I want to listen to my Dad’s silly jokes and watch the footy with my brother. I want to share a wine or 8 with my aunties, uncles and cousins and I want to let my grandparents know that I am happy. I crave the friendships that I have treasured for years. Those relationships where people know me, people get me and people love me for exactly who I am. They will forever be my home. I desperately miss home. I have been very reminiscent of my previous workplace, where I was exactly me. I am struggling knowing or feeling that I am anything less than the best I can be in my profession. I reflect on a time when I was celebrated, not somewhat invisible. I remember the days where my skills were given the freedom to shine through. I miss going out all the time, being forever busy and always out in the world. I miss driving from A-Z, not simply A-B then back again (and so often in my PJs). I remember getting dressed up and feeling glamorous. It’s just a hard adjustment at times. Building a new life by myself. I think the thing that sent it all tumbling down at once was that I was finally sharing everything with someone. I had forgotten what real company was like. Then I was back to being alone. Completely. Because he disappeared, not a single effort to keep in contact. Let’s hope he wasn’t using me to fill some void. Let’s hope that he has thought of me. As time passes (slowly) it’s hard to believe that this is the case though. It is even more difficult to believe that what we had ended like it did. So unnecessarily. I find it so difficult to let people go while so many find it so easy to let go of me. I still feel painfully sick about it but I’m breathing a little easier through the hurt and I’m now looking people in the eye. Baby steps!
People back home often comment “what a great life you have!” They are right because I am trying my best to seize every moment and experience new things. There are many moments that make me smile and there are many moments where I think ‘I’m only experiencing this because I am here’ but there are also many, many quiet moments. Many moments where I feel a void. Where I am not sure who I am or how I got here. Where I feel like this experience is also holding me back from many other experiences. But, I now have some beautiful people in my life that have helped me get through my long week. I owe this whole post to ‘Francesca’. My wing woman and my girl who puts her hand up to experience opportunities and create adventures with me. I owe it to new friends. Friends who understand that they are my life here but that I also have another life that I so desperately miss at times. I owe it to ‘IM3’ who made me laugh and feel a little bit more like me again. I showed my face in the staff room the next day, solely because of him. I wholeheartedly thank ‘Over-Sharer’ for being my first friendly visitor and one amazing lady from my ‘Prep M Family’ who constantly inspires me to just be me. I treasure my ‘Imelda’ and my ‘Share Bear’ because they support me every second of every day. My two people :).
12 days to go!
Coming up: How I scored a free visor, became a groupie, saw Elvis and perved on ‘Cute Guy’ in one afternoon! We have some big events coming up in my small town and I plan to tell you all about how they go down. Trying to get my happy back!
Thank you to everyone who is reading my blog. I love it. I don’t know who you are but you are really making my day. It’s a bit scary to be so real and vulnerable but it seems you keep coming back to read more so, thank you. This is my new favourite thing!