The part where I finally tell you about him

So, I’m sharing it all with you. I met a man. A man I really like. I wasn’t going to share because I thought maybe if I lived in the moment I’d have an even better story to share with you later on. I couldn’t stop writing though. It helped me work through my overwhelming feelings, it is helping me figure out how to get out of bed today as he’s gone now. I always knew he was leaving but my ever-optimistic sunshine and lollipops way of thinking had hoped the goodbye wouldn’t be as final. I think he always knew it would be and that he was always going back to his own world. He was just trying to make me feel better, softening the blow. We all know that doesn’t work. You can’t help how you feel. I actually embrace how I feel so much. So, I’m sharing it with you so that I don’t feel so alone in this. Maybe it’s not just me.

The following three posts were written in the dark of night at various stages over the last few months. Follow along with my story…

The part where little moments take over…one by one.

The night we met
#1: It started with talking. Over loud music, we began to get to know each other. We danced. I made awkward jokes about my dancing. We kept dancing. Then he linked arms with me as we walked along with friends. My skin tingled.

What’s a girl got to lose!
#2: I hinted to our mutual friend to pass on my number. He text me!!!!! And I said “hey!”… followed by my life story. Oops!

The sneaky double date (friends are shockers!)
#3: The moment he reached over and played with my hair. In front of his mate.

The walk along the beach
#4: There were two sets of footsteps walking along the sandy beach this particular afternoon. If you followed the footsteps with your eyes you’d see the magic unfold. Slow steps showed the moments where our hands were entwined and our bodies close. Quick steps showed the times where silly and playful moments took over. The moments where there were no footsteps at all took my breath away. Water rushing at our feet and taking the moment away for others and leaving it just between us. The sunset on the way back, the real conversations and the tears of laughter. It was just so natural and my kind of perfect.

My tummy is in knots, my breath is moving a little quicker than normal and my smile a wonderful mix of happy and mischievous.

Dinner, movies and a scenic lookout
#5: The setting where I finally discovered what romance was. The park bench in front of the waterfalls, lit up in the darkness. The inappropriate comments I made over take-away dinner, because no romantic gesture is immune to me. The laughter and flirting. The night already better than the movies because it was real and happening to me. The movie queue where friends got to meet him accidentally. The proud feeling as I got to show him off. The movie snacks discussion. The normalcy that I finally got to experience for myself. The spontaneous trip up the mountain because we weren’t ready to say goodbye yet. The nerves and simultaneous sense of comfort as the night got darker and the lights became brighter. The laughter as he tricked me and hid my eyes from the view until I could see it all at once. The warmth of him. The feeling. The slow dip as he held me tight and kissed me goodnight – the first time.

Maybe the person who can inspire me to talk and shut up in equal measure is the one I’ve been dreaming of.

The dinner date
#6: He held out a chair for me… I didn’t realise. He said “I’ll pick for you” and brought me back a glass of wine. He held my hands across the table. Moments that aren’t wasted on me.

The view from the back deck
#7: It has changed forever. Amazing and a serious part of my wildest dreams.

When our pets met
#8: I saw a hopeful glimpse of just how right the future could be…

When I showed him my words
#9: The moment when I only had to be brave for the time it took to press send. Eeeek!!!

——————–

The part where I can’t sleep!

The idea of listening and hearing you talk about your life, your ideas and your passions.

The idea of doing everything with you.

The idea of doing nothing, with you.

The idea of being with you, of learning you.

The idea of your touch. Even the memory of it now twists my insides and makes me feel a new kind of warmth.

The idea of experiencing firsts with you.

The idea of my ‘happy’ becoming even brighter because every feeling has the added bonus of you.

The idea of hope, not worry. Forgetting the questions…Would it work? Could we do it? (I’m still working on that)

The idea of watching you, knowing and feeling that you care for me in some way.

The idea of learning from you.

The idea of protection and strength, knowing that I have back up.

The idea of you in uniform.

The idea of knowing that it’s you, as a friend and a lover, that I’m growing to like more every day.

The idea that someday, I could feel reciprocated love. The confirmation that maybe I feel it now, somehow. Already.

The idea of a journey.

The idea that you inspire me to write and explore passions that are new and flourishing because of your silent encouragement.

The idea that I may be intense, but that it’s okay… That I may be different to most, but that it’s okay. I’m perfectly okay as me.

The idea that the hurt doesn’t matter. That I am confident enough to just be. No ‘what if’s’.

The idea that I just can’t stop.

The idea that this is nothing like I’ve ever experienced before.

The idea that this was meant to be.

The idea that I don’t remember this before. This feeling. Ever.

———————-

The part where I can’t breathe!

So this is what it feels like. When feelings grip you. Your chest tightens, your stomach cramps and you try so desperately hard to just catch a single breath. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you should be doing, when the feeling gets you, it’s crippling.

The strongest wish I have ever had has instantly become painfully clear.

You.

I want you in my world.

And you know what, that doesn’t have to be a scary thing.

I purposefully haven’t mentioned your name and I’ve been quiet because I found something in you that I didn’t need to share. Something I wanted to keep just for me. A goodness and a calming reality of what everyday life could be that makes me dream things I had never thought possible. You inspire me to want things I never knew I wanted before. You excite me and completely engage my body and my mind.

Our escape. Our six weeks of getting to know each other just ended. I’m not sure what to do with myself right now. But I think I’ve temporarily lost control. How can this moment feel like a knife to the heart and a shot of adrenalin all in one instance?

Ohmygod, do I have some amazing memories of you! Of you and me. I think you have given me the shortest and most incredible journey of my life so far. I don’t think you saw it like I did but I’ve come to realise I see a lot of things differently.

I knew this was coming and I’ve felt the little tugs on my heart as the day drew closer. I know I didn’t do a very good job of hiding this from you, but when do I ever? I am always so full of hope. Hope that one day something will work out on both sides. The hardest thing for me to digest is that it never does. No matter how many people tell me that it’ll happen, to be patient, to just wait…. It doesn’t change the fact that I think that it is all absolute rubbish. Who waits around and gets what they want? Who makes things happen by sitting in the shadows? I don’t. I put my nervous heart out there every time. Just to know that I gave it my all. I don’t race around looking for someone, for someone’s sake. When I accidentally find someone who I think is someone, I try and be as honest with that as I can. Other times have hurt. But this time feels different. I was told a thousand times not to fall for you. By you and by everyone else. But I did. It scares me. But I can’t help but feel like we could be a good thing. A good thing that I just want to be able to have a go at. But you just said goodbye to me. You’re leaving tomorrow. You’re going back to where I came from. The place I long to be right now. I wouldn’t have met you if I didn’t leave there but knowing that isn’t really helping me now. I just waved back at you, drove off and fell into a heap by the side of the road. I’m worried that I’m becoming damaged. Doubting myself a little more as my feelings hurt again. It doesn’t matter that you say how wonderful I am. It’s not that I don’t believe you. I just want you to imagine me in your world too. It’s more than just a some day, some guy thing. I think we could be amazing friends as well as all the chemistry I feel. You make me feel alive, even now as I feel like something has just broken. Badly. It’s probably just another piece of me.

I feel sick at the thought of waking up tomorrow as I know my breath will disappear again when I remember that, all of a sudden, that dream I’ve been living, is over.

You’re gone…and I’m still here. I’m having a really hard time working out if here is where I want to be.

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