The single life – part 1

Single and ready to mingle as they say, after never really dating before I decided to jump in and try it out. A way to get to know myself as a girl with something to offer. Who would have thought ditching a dud relationship could actually give you confidence. Confidence that was found initially in a magical group of people from my prep family. A bunch of adults who saw me for me and got it. A group of kids who revelled in my child- like qualities while respecting my authority when I needed to show it. These people made me realise who I was and all the parts of me I’d lost in this floored relationship. They gave me enough strength to get out!!! So, not without drama I left a dodgy part of my life (where I learned a lot through good and bad times) behind and just enjoyed being me.

Mum would be glad that I was looking for guys with something special, not just hanging around with someone because they were interested in me. I even asked her and she agrees with this. It takes a certain kind of person to compliment me, so people tell me. My boss once said that I was my own definition in the dictionary. A friend once wrote a rule book on how to handle me. Not painting the most encouraging ‘pick me’ picture for the single man out there, but I promise it’ll make sense to someone one day. I take it as a compliment! All I know is…No more men who hide behind my personality so I can carry them through life, no more men who love their computer more than me and think the sun might actually hurt them. And no more men who are more emotionally needy than me. What a mess that would be! It was time to use my head and my heart to find someone a little more right for me.

Thanks to some wonderful friends who like to brag that they get to live vicariously through me, I was signed up to an online dating website, ready to advertise myself to the world. Well, the world according to a free website where you can advertise yourself as openly desperate and already burned by the online dating life. Or, if you were like 99% of men you were unique and DTE, you would tell adoring women that you love the outdoors just as much as you love to snuggle on the couch watching movies indoors and that you spend life at the gym but gym doesn’t consume your life. Each man appears to be a carbon copy of the next in this world, but I’m not actually that negative and love to see the world as sunshine, rainbows and lollipops, so why not, I was going to give this a red hot go!

Note: all characters in this section are by no means fictional, however, they have been given appropriate nicknames to hide their identity from other potential dates.

It all started with ‘The Boy Who Tried To Woo Me By Using His Fancy Key Card To Access The Smoking Area Of The Casino’. He was the first person I spoke to online as my friends sat either side of me, telling me what I should and should not say. I didn’t listen to them though, much to most people’s concern, as I am just me, no editing, no games. I say what comes to me in the moment. Frequently not funny. Possibly silly. Often seriously over-excited. Always me. I just can’t fake it, so this would test me out. I met up with this guy that very night. Desperation confused with excitement I’d say. I was one of those girls in high school who giggled on the train when boys from the local high school got on. I would then channel this nervous energy into silly games with my friends. One of them was called the ‘dinosaur dance’. Never secured me a boy then, and I’d love to say that behaviour is trapped back in my teenage years, but then I would be outright lying and not finding myself living this life now. So anyway, back to my story of date 1. It was fun, I couldn’t wait to leave and the 20 people I’d told where I was in case anything happened were hanging by the phone, but it was the start of a great adventure.

A string of dating fun began. I was surprised how I was never nervous and how random chatter did not seem to be a problem. However, I’m not sure any of my friends were all that surprised. I loved picking outfits and starting from the beginning every time. If anything, I was getting to know myself extremely well. All this said though, I promise that I let the guys speak too… I think.

So as all of this was happening, I made my first big independent move and rented a house in a groovy area close to the city. I had a guy all lined up to move in with me and was so excited about being a grown up city chick. Like Sex and the City right? In my innocent little way I was looking forward to hanging out with this ‘Almost Housemate’. He loved footy like me, we talked heaps and it was all fun and games. Until he kept asking me out on dates…. Uh oh! I’ve heard stories about this kind of funny business. Stay clear my brain kept telling me. So I had to start the search for random housemates online. Terrifying! If only my brain had stayed cautious and warned me away from picking a guy I had actually met on the dating website. We shall call him ‘Bully Housemate’. When he moved in (because I was so poor and lacking options) he waited at least 3 days before he asked me out. When I said no he did not like it. He kept bringing mystery girls home and sneaking around the house. I’m serious. I’d leave one room and I’d hear a bang as they left the room they were hiding in to run to the next. Maybe this girl had three noses and he was embarrassed? He then gave me his two weeks notice and moved out that day. Without any of his stuff. Just to repeat, he left in his car, stopped paying rent and left all of his belongings behind. So after more than the allocated 2 weeks I called the real estate for advice. They told me they weren’t sure of him when he signed the tenant agreement (thanks for that) and advised me to change the locks to prevent him from having unlimited access as he was no longer a paid tenant. So I did. He, with his giant big muscles and scary mates, did not like that either. So much so that he scaled the 3 storey house and tried to break in while I was cowering in the bathroom. My first call to the Police was made in tears and they had to come over and keep me safe while he was evicted in a rage. Not a good choice in the end.

After continuing to chat and meet up with people I started to realise that maybe the perfect combination of man that I was looking for may not exist. A blokey bloke who likes sport but can hold a conversation? I hear you laugh but I was really hopeful. Especially when I met ‘Over-sharer’ Such great conversation, so many laughs. When we met up I soon realised that the hand actions went perfectly with the story, darling. Oops! Fail on the blokey-bloke requirement. ‘Over-sharer’ told me a lot about activities that he would like to do and ‘plays’ that he would like to re-enact from his dreams. Very hard to hear when the thought makes you shudder. Sorry mate.

The other big story from this time… Hang on, bad choice of words. The other memorable (for all the wrong reasons) story from this time came from ‘Inappropriate Texter’. A guy who prided himself on his collection of American toy souvenirs. Most people would gasp and shake their head but me and my collection of Elmo toys get it (the same collection I accidentally mentioned on another first date and after being encouraged to show a photo detailing the enormity of the collection, shortly became a last date). Then I realised his obsession left a mark, a tattooed permanent mark of Betty Boop pushing her breasts into me every time he hugged me. Urgh! Nevertheless, I gave him three chances. But after the third, when he text me photo evidence of a very personal and disturbing (for me) moment. After I vomited in my mouth and pressed delete on the graphic image, I also deleted his contact information. Please, mister. When you go to that much effort to show me something that horrendous you should really re-think your tactics. Continue on loving yourself in private as I’m out!

All the dramas of this inner city living weren’t playing out like the movies. I had to think of another way. Time to go up market. Melrose Place style living… Stay tuned.


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